I wish I could punch you in the face.
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
