I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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