I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize