Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
