so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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