Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
