Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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