At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
