Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
