My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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