im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
