Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
