On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
