Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Is it because I queefed?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
