I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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