I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
