Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
