Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I will pee on everything he values.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize