I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize