I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
