Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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