My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So gin and wine won't be happening again
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
