I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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