i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
