I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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