I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
