You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
