I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
