drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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