I faked an abortion last night.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
