guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
zippers are such a cool invention
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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