She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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