Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
