The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am midnight drunk by noon
you will always have a special place in my vag
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
