If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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