This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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