dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
