Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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