Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
