Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
