I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
