please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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