Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
