I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
