So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
