just tell him i said nine months
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
