people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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