glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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