Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
