8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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