You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
