i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
