I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize