she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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