I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
