It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
