he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
