You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Someone came in the potted fern
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
