But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
