I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
