after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
