I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
