last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
