All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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