her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
