my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
