I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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