oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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